(k)erimenopause

One broad's reluctant journey to the dark side of womanhood.

‘Waist’ not, want not August 22, 2010

Filed under: Gaining Ground — kerimenopause @ 4:19 pm

I don’t consider myself an owner of this particular 5’6″ residence known as my body. I’m more of a renter. I would never actually ‘own’ a residence in such crappy condition. The exterior has some sun damage. The -uh- eaves are sagging. And, the back door seems a little large for the overall structure. A ‘condemned’ sign hanging around my neck isn’t exactly around the corner but I’m definitely looking to vacate before there is a foreclosure.

Why move to a better location, when this has served me pretty well for 49 years? Because, my body has taken charge of its own remodeling. Currently that seems to be out and down. It has redrawn the boundary lines without consulting me. It is squishy in ways that creep me out. It has creases and lines leading to dimples and dents. What haunts me, horrifies me, and harasses me the most is what’s going on right there in the middle. First of all, for the record, never, ever, ever in my life – childhood, teen or adult – have I had a flat stomach. It is not, was not, and won’t be in my cards. I get that. But… what has happened to that area the past couple of years… is unexplainable and, I fear, unstoppable, like black mold.

Now, I try to avoid dairy, carbs and some grains. Anything blamed for tummy fat – immediately purged from my life. I walk/run… not manic about it but I do something most days. I suck it in. I don’t wear clothes that are too tight. I don’t wear ‘fat’ colors. And, God forbid, I do not tuck in my shirts! And yet, there settled in, just south of the boobs, it sits.

I am not the most discriminating spender- which maybe why my credit card is always $100 from maxed out. I can be talked into just about anything if there is a promise of less middle. I have used $75 progesterone cream, only to have menstrual cramps DAILY. I have taken pills for the ‘stress’ hormone that supposedly causes some of the girth, made me sleepy. I have purchased and half-heartedly used exercise gimmicks targeted at the gut. And yet, it sits.

Truth be told: I have lost 25 pounds since last October. Yeah me. Don’t you think it’s kind of funny how people react to someone shrinking in size? When I started losing enough weight so that any one noticed, I also started getting the inevitable comments: ‘How much are you going to lose?’ ‘Don’t get too thin.’ ~For the record, I am incapable of getting too thin!

Hey, wouldn’t it be great if you had the kind of friends that said: ‘So, how fat are you planning to get?’ when the muffin top spills over. Or, ‘Don’t get too chubby’ as you are scarfing down an entire order of sweet potato fries. Of course, that wouldn’t really work if you, like me, enjoy the heavenly experience of eating Wavy Lays with a vat of onion dip. Throw in a really bad made-for-tv movie on Lifetime with an Us magazine to read during the commercials… sheer ecstasy.

Back to the weight loss… kind of funny, I was actually feeling pretty good about how I was looking. That is, until a well-meaning client gave me a beautiful stand-alone full length mirror. Whoa Nelly! Frightening to think of what would have been staring back at me with the 25 pounds! The gift confirmed my worst fear – from the side, there are days when my gut actually balances out my butt. Scary visual… for me too.

Recently I met a stylist who has a really cool way of sizing up someone’s body. Instead of fruit (apple, pear) and geometric shapes (oval, rectangle), she compares your body to gem stones. She says ‘every body is a precious gem.’ Her system – www.holobi.com – classifies each body as a diamond, ruby, emerald or sapphire. I like precious stones. Could this work to change the way I think about me?

Maybe not work exactly, more like hold off the inevitable. There will be a night when the body temperature rises to equator highs and I resort to infomericals to pass the time. Mark my words! As sure as I’m eating a bag of pretzel M&Ms, around 3am there will be a breakthrough method on how to purge the pooch. And I will reach for my wallet…

Oh crap, I better make a credit card payment today.

 

 
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