(k)erimenopause

One broad's reluctant journey to the dark side of womanhood.

When a ‘slender’ tampon is meant as a compliment February 18, 2014

Filed under: Necessary evils — kerimenopause @ 1:10 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

“Are we the last normal, boring couple we know?”  my husband asks after I tell him about another one of our couple friends has hit marital rock bottom.  And when I say another, I mean there have been A LOT.   In the 20+ years we have been together, we’ve watched couple after couple break up, divorce, become roommates, and/or just disappear from our lives as ‘couple friends.’  This has become such a regular occurrence that we are reluctant to become friends with new couples lest we some how influence the end of their marriage.

Save yourself the time speculating that we influence their demise on some weird, kinky level.  This isn’t 1970 and we are not swingers.  We don’t make suggestive invitations to take our ‘friendship’ to some web-cam level relationship.  No, no.  Our big crime is that we are ridiculously happy with one another.  Not only does our kid have parents married to each other,  but he has parents who actually like each other.  On some level, we consider ourselves freaks.

The undeniable truth is this:  Everyone (read: women) loves my husband.  Could this be the reason couples disintegrate before our eyes?

You can ask any of my friends – male or female – about my husband and they will tell you he is ridiculously kind.  This is the guy who will wait on you hand and foot if you visit our home.  He asks every woman he meets a million questions and makes them feel like, well, a million.  And that, my friends, is why I think so many couples we know end up splitting.  It’s my husband’s fault.  After an afternoon with us, women go home and start thinking ‘why can’t my husband be like that.’  In fact, I had a friend tell me once that, “He is the best husband I’ve ever met.  You better take a lot better care of him.”  Was that some kind of threat?  Or what? You’re going to take my man?  Please, whatever I am doing, or not doing, he’s been around for two decades so I think I got this.  Incidentally, it is so weird to get marital advice from a person whose marriage is imploding.

And since I’m already off the subject traveling down a side road, maybe I should just air the dirty laundry about what a rotten person he truly is at home.  Here it is, the ‘worst’ I can come up with.  My husband is a guy

~who begrudgingly agrees to pick up tampons at the store for me.  Then brings home ‘slender’ because he thinks it is a compliment.

~who helps me get ready for a party of 50 (his family) by cleaning the gutters.

~who hears me complain about my weight daily and then offers me Wavy Lays potato chips when I say I’m hungry.

~who wonders out loud, as I walk out the door, if the price sticker or, worse, size sticker on my new jeans should still be on them.

Are there things about him that drive me bananas?  Of course!  My step-daughter asked me one time if there were things about him that drive me crazy and if I ever tell him.  My answer: Yes and No.  Sure he can get on my nerves.  But my theory is this:  If I point out all the little things that bug me, than I am giving him permission to tell me all the things that bug him about me.  And I do not want to open that floodgate!

Truth is, I think there are so many unhappy women out there that I could bottle up my husband and sell him out of the back of my car  like a modern-day Snake Oil Salesman. I’d call it ‘Hubby Hooch.’   I would bedazzle a former food truck.  Hit the road.  Sit in the parking lots of places that hold all those mom’s meetings… after PTA meetings… at soccer fields.  From the loud speaker I could announce: ‘Ladies and women… step right up.  Get your self-sacrificing-loves-your-thighs-no-matter-what-size-they-are-tells-you-you’re-beautiful-every-day-man-right-here-in-a-bottle.’  All the while, Justin Timberlake’s Sexy Back will be pounding in the back ground…

I’m bringing sexy back
Them other @$%! don’t know how to act
Come let me make up for the things you lack
‘Cause you’re burning up I gotta get it fast

So, are you asking yourself ‘What is the point of this blathering?’  It’s pretty deep and philosophical actually.  I suggest to you today that maybe the secret to marriage is simply saying ‘thank you’ for the slender tampon and realizing sometimes a man’s actions are the words you aren’t hearing.

 

40 Pounds of Resentment April 21, 2011

Filed under: Ephiphany Inc. — kerimenopause @ 6:30 am
Tags: , , , , ,

“You always look mad.”

First of all, none of us always do anything.  I am not a fan of absolutes, ie. ‘You never…’, ‘you always…,’ ‘every time….’  Not to propose that I don’t say those things to my husband, my son, my dog, the cat.  Just saying that I don’t like it when it refers to me. But it is quite possible that I really do look mad, almost all the time. Part of that comes from the perma-scowl that I have decorating my brow line.  This feature is so prominent that not even a Botox treatment I bought at an auction could eradicate the crevice – that looks more like a crevasse – found on my forehead.  Seriously – both that it didn’t work, and that I bought Botox at my son’s school auction.  Yes, for nothing more than the promise of a smooth forehead, I was willing to risk complete embarrassment (mine and my husband’s… son is oblivious to me, my life, and what I do – he’s 12).

By the way, the ‘line’ isn’t from worrying.  It, in fact, debuted about the time I started working in TV news about 20 years ago.  There is something about going ‘live’ every night to a mass of humanity you do not know while your boss is sitting at home making a note of every thing you screwed up.  Not a profession for anyone who wants to keep a youthful glow about them.

Back to the topic that is actually furthering the depth of the abyss found mid-brow line… I mentioned a few days ago I had an epiphany that my new business should be me when it comes to finally getting this extra weight off my voluptuous figure.  Well, today’s epiphany came when I was making my third trip to my son’s school ~ which is a story for another time.  Basically, I started wondering if maybe, just maybe, every extra inch was really some unresolved resentment.  And if that were possible, couldn’t it be equally possible that the reason that I ‘always look mad’ is because maybe I am… just not for the reasons most obvious.

One of the reasons I came to (or jumped to) this conclusion is that I always lose my ‘eating right’ battle if I go home to some family gathering.  Dare I say, that perhaps there might be some unsolved resentment that comes bubbling to the ugly surface with the mere mention of a trip to the homeland?  Ha!  I am here to tell you there are a whole lotta resentments in that realm for me.  Each and every one is quite frankly based on some harbored hurt feeling from when I was a kid. Stupid? Absolutely. Change anything that I know it’s stupid?  Absolutely not.

This brings me to the question of if maybe it is time to purge the resentments of my life!  There is a rumor going around that in the not too distant future I maybe celebrating a milestone birthday.  It seems to me that a woman of 50-that’s-the-new-30 should probably get over herself and deal with her demons.  It may even be time to set free the annoyances that have me creasing my face!  Ahhhh… but how? I have read you should make a list of things that you need to ask forgiveness for as an act of purging your demons,  then burn the list as a way to set yourself free. Seems so… anonymous and private.  Oh how utterly bourgeois!  In this day of reality TV, facebook, twitter, isn’t it so much more vogue to tell all?  Now if I was a true coward, which I am most certainly not, there is also the option of the website tellingsecrets.org – seriously, you can share those confidences that are dying to be told… all anonymously.

My inner debate is about how honest and candid I should be here? Should I really list my resentments to make a point? (I mean to free my pounds?)  Perhaps a happy medium can be found…  list them in somewhat vague terms ~ friends, family, former boyfriends ~ read into it what you will.  In the interest of you, dear readers, I am not going to bore you with my perceived ‘wrongs’ here.  At least not yet…

Instead, you tell me… does laying it all on the line really ‘lighten’ your load?  Should I write a list? Public or private?  Guide me my wise readers!  If you want to see the list, let me know in the ‘other’ column in the poll!  (English gurus – I know there is an error in the question below, but my Polldaddy skills are not quite refined.  No need to point it out, thank you;)

 

For Crying Out Loud! Am I normal or hormonal? August 25, 2010

Filed under: Normal Not Hormonal — kerimenopause @ 12:07 pm
Tags: , , ,

With somewhere around 35 potential symptoms for perimenopause, it’s hard to figure out if it should get the blame for what used to be normal stuff.

  • Am I cranky because of hormones, or am I just cranky because ________ (choose: I’m married. I’m a parent. my pants are tight. we are out of coffee. I want chocolate).
  • Is my scale up five pounds because of middle-age water weight gain, or because I ate a half a bag of salty chips last night?
  • Am I shunning my husband’s passes because my libido is affected, or because I need to fold the laundry?
  • Is this a hot flash, or am I over heated because I just watched Bradley Cooper on the A-Team movie?
  • Am I exhausted because peri-men hits you with crushing blows of fatigue, or because I had lunch with my peeps and drank a margarita?
  • Am I emotional because that’s what happens to women at this age, or because I have a damn good reason to be or no reason at all?

Hmmmm. Emotional. That might be the one I do have any answer for. Don’t get me wrong I often get tearful when I don’t have a good reason. I am just wired that way. Truth be told, I’m basically a boob. I cried during my HS graduation. I was tearful when they tore down our house to build us a spectacular new one. I shed a few when my son was accepted into the schoo0l of our dreams. I have grabbed a Kleenex for: A good Hallmark Card commercial… watching my son receive an honor in school… saying goodbye to house guests… or the ‘never-fails’ moments, when my husband tears up over something. Seriously, is there anything more touching than seeing a man show emotion? Now, I don’t want him to be a blithering idiot. No wailing, please! But red-rimmed eyes, holding back the waterworks, pretty hard to take.

Today I got a note from an old HS classmate:

“Thank you for being you! I so appreciate your honesty and humor and insight.”

And yesterday from another:

“So proud of how you handle yourself and also so proud of your accomplishments.”

What? Really? Wow! Cue the water works. Let the tears flow! There is a joy in shedding tears over the unexpected. I say: Bring on the hormones if that’s what it takes! Enthusiastically embrace your inner basket case.Cry openly when someone touches your heart! Cry until your eyes swell shut!

Now let’s see, where was I going with this… I’m told that forgetfulness is also a symptom.

Oh yeah…as Tom Hanks once said, ‘There’s no crying in baseball.’ Well, Tom, my life ain’t nothin’ like baseball! There’s lots of extra innings and I am the only designated hitter. So like real life – and reality TV – there is crying and not just in peri-menopause. It’s OK – really, it’s normal.

So please ladies.. go for it and Weep with reckless abandon!

Hey, if nothing else, your family will think you are nuts and give you some alone time… besides think of the water weight you’ll get rid of!

 

 
%d bloggers like this: